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How to sing the BLUES
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[page 1]
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How
to Sing the Blues, by Lame Mango Washington (attributes to Memphis
Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky, with revisions by Little
Blind Patti D. and Stevie Franklin)
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1.
Most Blues begin, "Woke up
this morning." |
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2.
"I got a good
woman," is a bad way to begin the Blues,
'less you stick something
nasty in the next line: " I got a good woman- with
the meanest face in town." |
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3.
The Blues
is simple. After
you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something
that rhymes…sort of: " Got a good woman with the
meanest face in town. Got teeth
like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound." |
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4.
The
Blues are not about choice. You
stuck in a ditch. You stuck in a ditch ain't no
way out. |
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5.
Blues
Cars: Chevy's and Cadillac's and broken down trucks. Blues
don't travel in
Volvos, BMW's, or SUV's. Most
Blues transportation is a Greyhound
bus or a
southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools
ain't even in the
running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues
lifestyle. So does fixin' to die. |
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6.
Teenagers can't sing
the Blues. They ain't fixin to die
yet. Adults sing the Blues.
In Blues,
"adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric
chair if you shoot
a man in Memphis. |
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7.
Blues
can take place in New York City, but not in Hawaii or any place
in Canada.
Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago,
St. Louis, and Kansas
City are still the best places to have the Blues.
You cannot have the Blues in any
place
that don't get rain. |
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8.
A man with male pattern
baldness ain't the Blues. A woman
with male pattern
baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you were skiing ain't the Blues.
Breaking your
leg cause an alligator be chomping on it is. |
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9.
You can't have
no Blues in an office or a shopping
mall. The lighting is wrong.
Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster. |
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10.
Good places for the Blues:
- Highway
- Jailhouse
- Empty
bed
- Bottom
of a whiskey glass
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11.
Bad places for the Blues:
- Malls
- Gallery
openings
- Ivy
league institutions
- Golf
courses
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12.
No one will
believe it's the Blues if you wear
a suit, unless you happen to be an
old black man, and you slept in it. |
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13.
Do you have the right
to sing the Blues: Yes, if:
- You
older than dirt
- You
blind
- You
shot a man in Memphis
- You
can't be satisfied
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Do you have the right to sing the Blues:
No, if:
- You
have all your teeth
- You
were once blind but now you can see
- You
have a retirement plan or trust fund
- You
won the lottery
-
The man in Memphis lived
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14.
Blues
is not a matter of color. It’s a matter of bad luck. Tiger
Woods cannot
sing the Blues. Gary Coleman could.
Ugly white people also get the Blues. |
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15.
If you ask for
water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues.
Other acceptable drinks are:
-
Cheap Wine
- Whiskey
or bourbon
- Muddy
water
-
Nasty Black
coffee
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16.
The following are
not Blues beverages:
- Mixed
drinks
- Kosher
wine
- Snapple
- Sparking
water
-
Diet Coke
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17.
If it occurs in a cheap
motel or a shotgun shack, it’s a Blues
death.
Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues
way to die.
So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely in a
broken down cot.
You can’t have a Blues death if
you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction. |
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18.
Some Blues
names for women:
- Sadie
- Big
Mama
- Bessie
- Fat
River Dumping
-
Caledonia
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19.
Some Blues
names for men:
- Joe
- Willie
- Little
Willie
- Big
Willie
-
Leroy
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20.
Persons with
names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Tiffany, Brooke and
Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis. |
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21.
Make your own Blues
name (starter kit):
- Name
of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
- First
name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,
etc.)
- Last
name of president (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For
example: Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. |
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22.
I don't care how tragic
your life; if you own a computer, you cannot sing the Blues.
You'd best destroy it. Fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or
shotgun.
Maybe your big ass woman just done sit on it. I don't care |
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23.
Hey there, you can
READ! This too be a big ol' problem. Most folks singin' the
Blues ain't never had much a chance
for education. In the Blues… the
three R's stand
for Railroads, Runnin' and Rehab. |
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