At a bar in New Orleans the greatest piano player in the world
plays every night. The bar is extremely large and always busy,
however the only reason anyone actually comes to the bar is to
see the piano player.
One day the pianist dies of a heart attack. The bar, losing its
main attraction, quickly loses business. Tax time begins to roll
around and the bar's owner begins to get desperate. He places
ads all over the world for a new pianist, but no one is willing
to even try because of the last piano player's reputation.
One day an old bum walks into the bar. He is dressed in rags and
smells horrible. "I hear you're looking for a piano
player." he says.
Repulsed, but not knowing what else to do the owner says "Yes
we are, go over there to that piano and play something."
Suddenly the owner hears the most beautiful music he's ever heard
in his life. The old bum is playing twice as well as the last
The owner says "That's amazing! Did you write that?."
"I sure did."
replies the bum. "What do you call it?" "I call
that "An Old Man With
Herpes." "What!?!" replies the owner "How can
you call something so
beautiful something so terrible? Okay, just play something
The old bum plays another song that is even better than the last
one. "What do you call that?" the owner asks. "This
Committed Suicide." "What!?!? How can you name these
songs such awful, terrible titles?" the owner demanded.
seemed to fit." said the bum. "Look you've got the
job." said the
owner. "Here's $500, go get a nice suit and a haircut and
premiere Tuesday night. And for God's sake don't tell anyone the
names of your songs!" So they shook on it and the old bum
That Tuesday the bar was filled with a line of people out to the
street waiting to hear who it was that replaced the last pianist.
The crowd was amazed and cheered for several encores. At last the
old bum took his bows. He bowed on the left hand side of the
then in the center, and finally on the right hand side. As he took
his last bow and old woman said "Excuse me, but do you know
pants are unzipped and your balls are hanging out?"
The bum then quickly replied "Know it?!? HELL, I WROTE